Celebrity Injustice

Like all good things, the celebrity porn trend simply must come to an end. It was intriguing, voyeuristically exciting at first. But like 'The Sopranos', the trend is rapidly losing its entertainment value and moving toward cliche.

Don't get me wrong - we've had some good times: Rob Lowe's episode of 'Candid Camera' minus consent forms, Pam Anderson and 'Big Gun' Tommy Lee in 'Love Boat 2000', Paris Hilton in the X-rated version of the 'Silence of the Lambs' climax, and of course Beetlejuice and what may be Nell Carter setting the gold standard for midget smut (apologies to the legendary Bridget the Midget).

But this is just too much. The Chyna video was pretty bad, but it's really no more than you see on any given episode of the 'Surreal Life' beneath those inadequate fuzzies. But the thought of having to see Fred Durst's ugly mug making the O-face makes me want to choke on my own vomit, which coincidentally is the reaction I have whenever I hear 'Nookie.'

The whole story is sketchy - why would anyone, anywhere have the slightest interest in seeing Durst administer a money shot to some skank groupie (shudder to think what the Bizkit's groupies look like at this point)? It's like someone going out of their way to steal an advance copy of Ethan Hawke's next novel/Kobe's follow-up to 'Visions'/etc. All in all, it seems highly suspicious that this 'accidentally' leaked to the public.

I think it says something about the state of celebrity and, hell, society when homemade celebrity porn videos have become a powerful marketing tool. So your band is an irrelevant relic of the mercifully brief rap-metal era and you've made yourself into a walking joke due to, among other things, your obsession with Britney Spears, who herself is a big walking joke. Time to leak a porn video! After all, it did wonders for Pam/Tommy and Paris (not so well for Tonya Harding, though, but there were bigger problems there).

Inevitably this will lead to a spike in visibility for Durst, carrying him to unprecedented heights on the prestigious 'Yahoo's Top 10 Searches' list, pulling 'Rollin' briefly out of the radio archives, and no doubt driving hordes of Web surfers to the excellent IHateFredDurst.com.

But in the end, our society will be that much weaker for having witnessed it, for rewarding Fred by once again making him relevant. We'll be inviting every other has-been and wannabe to "accidentally" misplace their own sex tapes, opening the door for the John Teshes and Bea Arthurs of the entertainment world to claw their way back into our lives. Is that what we want? Bea Arthur bent over and growling like a laryngitic polar bear, bathed in eerie green light? I think not.

Only one thing is for certain - if it happens to be Britney in the video, we all owe Freddie a big time apology.