Pat O'Brien: A Little Too Much Access

You don't get to where Pat O'Brien is without being supremely competitive. They don't just hand out jobs as host of 'Access Hollywood' or 'The Insider' - you've got to scratch, claw and molest your way to the top of the trash TV anchor food chain.

So when Bill O'Reilly ingeniously conjured up a sordid sexual harassment scandal to generate publicity, Pat knew he had to strike back. He couldn't let O'Reilly soak up all the depraved glory, further cementing his reputation as the king of sleaze "journalism."

Well, Pat has struck back with a vengeance. He's seen O'Reilly's loofah fantasy and raised him a coked-out voice-mail that would make Richard Pryor blush. But he didn't stop there. Pat has also apparently been a terror at work, harassing colleagues at holiday parties, making hilarious gay propositions and dropping N-bombs on his brothas at the office in the worst attempt to be "down" since Aaron Carter G'd up back in 2002.

There's also apparently a picture out there of Patty O going solo, which I find hilarious but hope never to see. It's just a guess, but I'm betting Pat is hung like a "Forever Young"-era Elijah Wood. He just gives off that small dick vibe.

Pat's currently hiding out in "alcohol" rehab, but it will be high comedy watching him address the issue when he emerges. "Today's top item in 'The Insider' celebrity gossip news is....what the hell?!?" Does profuse sweating cause hair plugs to spontaneously fall out? He'd better hope not.

Listen to Pat's captivating voice-mail performance here.