Monkeys: Suddenly Not So Funny

We've all heard that monkeys/apes (I've never really understood the difference) can be, contrary to their funny looks and hysterical poop-flinging tendencies, quite dangerous when provoked or mistreated. Despite these earnest warnings, I've always gotten a laugh out ot the notion of crazed, killer monkeys on a murderous rampage. It's kind of like when people tell you that hippos turn vicious and deadly when their territory is threatened. I don't care how big and fast they are, when I see a hippo coming towards me, I'm reaching for a handful of marbles.

But now I am officially a believer. In fact, not only am I a believer, but I think that monkeys have passed the mountain lion in the hierarchy of "Animals I Don't Ever Want To Be Within A Mile Of Unless A Triple-Reinforced Steel Cage, Electric Forcefield Or Pope-mobile Stands Between Me And Them", just behind the great white shark and the giant dolphin with rabies........and maybe this thing.

The reason for my changed perception of monkeys is this story. I've read and seen some sick, amazing shit since the dawn of the internet age, but this pretty much takes the cake. I really couldn't believe it when I first read the details; it's like the plot of a bad horror B-movie.

For those too lazy to read the story, here's the condensed version: an old couple goes to a Bakersfield animal sanctuary to pay a birthday visit to their old chimp, taken from their home years ago after biting off a woman's finger (this is called "foreshadowing"). They offer him some cake, forcing the other monkeys into a jealous rage. Yadda yadda yadda, they're all of a sudden reenacting the Mason Verger dog food scene from 'Hannibal.'

The result? St. James Davis, 62, lost all the fingers from both hands, an eye, a foot, part of his nose, cheek, lips and part of his buttocks in the ferocious attack. Oh, and his genitals were mauled and disfigured.

Sweet jesus! What was left of the guy? I'm picturing a mixture of the Norton-ized Jared Leto from 'Fight Club' and Sonny Landham following his ill-advised "time to take a stand" showdown toward the end of 'Predator.'

I love the quote from his wife: "One was at his head, one was at his foot. But all that time ... he was trying to reason with them," said a sobbing LaDonna Davis, who herself had a thumb bitten off. Hey St. James - when you realized that the chimps weren't as receptive to your rational pleas as, say, Dr. Zaius might be, did you consider actually FIGHTING BACK?!? Maybe ripping off some monkey balls, wildly swinging your stumps or trying SOMETHING to keep them from turning you into a human Mr. Potato Head? If I'm getting viciously mutilated by a gang of renegade chimps, you can bet your ass that I'm at least taking a few monkey ears and nipples with me.

I think the real tragedy here is the fact that the attacking chimps were shot dead by sanctuary workers. Those two had great potential as guests on one of Jay Leno's wild animal segments. Watching them chew the chin off that talentless hack would be worth a month's pay, I think.

Anyway, best wishes to St. James and his few remaining body parts. As for me - well, I think I'll be cancelling my zoo visits for the next decade or so.