Beat Off The Chains of Porn

This blog is not just about humor, entertainment and monkeys. It's about helping people who are evil become less so. As everyone knows, pornography - in addition to securing a seat for you in hell and causing your palms to sprout hair - will turn your heart black and make God hate you. Beating off to porn may seem like an innocent and natural way to relieve stress, but it's actually tantamount to building yourself a prison cell of sin, held together by a glue-like substance.

Luckily, there is a new resource for those who are currently in the sticky clutches of porn. An Ohio-based organization called 'Setting Captives Free' is offering an online course that purports to offer freedom from sexual impurity....with a little help from the Lord.

Take it from 'Chad', who struggled for 18 years with porn and masturbation (or P&M, as it is efficiently called by 'Captives'), causing him to live a 'double life': God-fearing, 'Passion'-watching, Bush-voting man by day and lotion-squirting, callous-forming, 'Spice'-watching spankaholic by night. Thanks to 'Captives' and Christ's G-rated love, Chad has gone from a 'drowning man close to death' to 'a new creature in Christ', a man free of impure desires and saving a ton of money on Kleenex.

Forcing grown men to deny their natural sexual desires has worked so spectacularly for the Catholic church, it's almost common sense that 'Captives' should preach the same approach to the masses. It's really a no-brainer - how can the cheap thrills of Lex Steele's natural curve and Bridgette Kerkove's 'double A' compare to the holy joy of regular prayer and imaginary love and acceptance from some bearded guy who's been dead a couple of thousand years?

If you, too, are a slave to the beat, I implore you to check it out. You're only 60 days away from sweet, bland salvation.