I know it was you, Tom. You broke my heart.

As I can't seem to get cranking on any real posts, I'll retreat to the cliched mainstay of blogs everywhere - the Celeb Gossip Wrapup Report, with some witty jabs peppered in for good measure!! Brace yourselves....

GET A ROOM, GUYS: An exuberant Tom Cruise declaring his love for new galpal Katie Holmes on Monday's The Oprah Winfrey Show. He repeatedly jumped up on the couch, told how dating the actress was "beyond cool," and left the possibility open that the two might marry.

This one really troubled me. I'm sure most of you have, by now, seen Tommy jumping around like Crispin Glover on Letterman, proclaiming his love for Katie Holmes and prattling on about scientology. It was a supremely disgraceful performance - when Oprah starts getting uncomfortable with a guest's exuberance, you know they've gone too far.

The reason it troubles me is because - and I feel just barely secure enough to admit this - I've always had something of a man crush on Tom. "Top Gun" was a defining piece of cinema for me, and I can't tell you how many times I pretended to be Tom - running around the yard shooting down bogeys, playing semi-homosexual shirtless volleyball with the boys, doing tongue tricks with Kelly McGillis (or in my case, the family cat). Women loved him, but he was legit enough that guys didn't care if he was shirtless on the cover of Tiger Beat. He was fucking Maverick.

I've remained a fan of Tom through the years. I've always felt like he's one of the few actors who rarely makes a truly crappy film ("Far & A-Gay" notwithstanding). "A Few Good Men", "Mission Impossible", "Minority Report", "Collateral" - all solid, entertaining films made so largely by Tom. And "Jerry Maguire"? Well, let's just say he had me at "Help me help you!!!!"

He's always just kind of exuded 'cool'. Not a forced, Bruce Willis-style 'cool' - just an easy, "I can flash my teeth and instantly fucking rule you" type of cool.

So his convulsive performance on Oprah was supremely disappointing. He didn't just sit back, smile, and own the audience like he usually does. He pandered to a bunch of middle aged women. He professed his undying love to a chick whose claim to fame is that she starred on "Dawson's fucking Creek." In short, he gave Chris Kattan some competition if they ever decide to make a Mr. Peepers feature film (God knows it must be in development). And that's just sad.

Look, I don't know if Tom is gay, as so many people speculate. But I'm now pretty sure he's a huge dork, and that hurts more than anything.

GETTING REAL: Kevin Spacey signing on for the upcoming TLC reality series Going Hollywood, in which he'll serve as a mentor to showbiz interns.

"Billy, let me teach you about the casting couch."

RAMBO REDUX: Sylvester Stallone preparing to reprise his role as Vietnam vet John Rambo, 17 years after the last Rambo film came out. If Rambo IV proves successful, there could be more films on the way.

People are idiots. They'll plunk down money to see all kinds of hideous shit, and they're always anxious to welcome a fallen star back with open arms (see Travolta, John).

But I can't see this one flying. Stallone has always been a poor man's Arnold Schwarzenegger, and even he hasn't had any sort of film career for a decade (the political thing is no excuse for "Collateral Damage"). Plus, Sly already had his shot at a "legitimate acting" comeback film with the painful "Copland." Don't give up your ringside seats, Sly. No one wants to see your wrinkled, leathery ass running around killing Iraqis. Not when the scars of 'Rocky V' still haven't healed.

And then there's this....

LITERARY RING: According to Daily Variety, Sylvester Stallone will direct his own screenplay about the life of literary giant Edgar Allan Poe. Robert Downey Jr. is being considered for the lead and shooting's expected to begin in Europe in the fall.

Well, it does sound incredibly scary. Probably not for the reasons they'd like.

DON'T FORGET ABOUT THEM: The cast of classic '80s movie, The Breakfast Club, planning to reunite at the 2005 MTV Movie Awards, airing on June 9. Everyone's confirmed except for former Brat Packer Emilio Estevez, according to USA Today.

I'm way too lazy to attempt an actual tally, but I wonder how many reviews of "Breakfast Club" featured lines like "the future's bright with this cast" or "Judd Nelson is a superstar in the making." Flash forward 10 years, and the only one with half a career is.....Anthony.....Michael....Hall. And having a show on USA that typically runs at around 1AM barely qualifies as half.

SECOND DOWN: After teaming up in The Longest Yard, Adam Sandler joining forces again with Chris Rock to produce the latter's script, The Gilmores of Beverly Hills, a comedy about a low-income black family living in Beverly Hills which Rock will also star in.

I remain undeterred in my assertion that someday, somewhere Chris Rock will make a film that doesn't rely solely on racial humor. He's a talented, smart guy who can knock it out of the park occasionally, but every time he starts a sentence, "You know how white people...", I just cringe.

SLAVE FOR MOTHERHOOD: Britney Spears telling People that despite a "horrible" bout of morning sickness, she's loving life as a pregnant woman and the sex is great. "I think it's better than it was before," she said. "I think it's best. Sex is crazy good."

Would you ever have imagined 2 years ago that hearing Britney Spears talk about having sex could make your stomach turn?

I watched "Chaotic" the other day, just to get a glimpse of the abomination that has caused critics across the country to simultaneously develop brain aneurysms. It took me less than 2 minutes to realize many of them were showing restraint in dubbing the show "nauseating", "nuclear waste" and "the TV equivalent of having Artie Lange eat an ear of corn and shit on your face" (OK, I made that one up).

The one overriding feeling I had while watching the show was embarrassment for Britney and Rat-erline. Not that I give a shit about Braterline (or Spederline, or whatever the fuck naming convention the lame-ass gossip mags have adopted), their marriage, their unborn child or whether they live or die. But anytime people make themselves the joke of the free world, all the while insulating themselves so completely that they never find out they're the punchline, I feel bad for them. I'm kindhearted like that, I guess.

The fall of Britney has been something to behold. People have talked about it, but I don't think people truly appreciate what we've seen in the last year or so with Britney. I mean, this girl was THE 'it' girl for half a decade. I guarantee you that from 1999 through early 2004, she won the poll for 'If You Could Bang One Person....' by a margin of no less than 2 to 1.

And now? She's pulled a virtual '"Crying Game" on boys and men everywhere, causing erections across the world to instantaneously drop like Chris Farley after an 8-ball. Seriously, does anyone, anywhere, still think she's the least bit sexy? She's gone, in record time, from every boy's wet dream to a Jerry Springer guest wannabe. Say her name in 2002 and the word "hot" or "slut" likely jumped to mind; now, it's "trailer trash" or, well, "slut" - but it's not the same, wonderful kind of "slut".

With "Chaotic", whatever was left of her mystique has been stripped away, micturated upon and set on fire. After this show, the curtain has officially come down. Everyone watching now knows that she is, beyond the shadow of a doubt, a complete and utter retard. She's the vapid, obnoxious chick in high school that you're willing to hang out with only because she's kind of hot and you just might get a piece. She's...well, like, totally ordinary.

But I think it may be even worse than that. Something tells me she's Michael Jackson with fake tits and a darker complexion. Everyone recoils in horror at Michael now, but I bet when he first started bleaching his cornhole, people still held out hope that he would grow back the jheri curl, throw on the sequined glove and stop chasing prepubescent boy tail. Maybe we should learn a lesson from the sad tale of MJ and simply stop caring before a 278lb Britney ends up in front of a judge explaining why she burned down her trailer park deep frying a Snickers.

Or you could tune in for more of the downward spiral next Tuesday at 9PM on UPN!!!