Celebrity News: The Band-Aid for Writer's Block

LIFE IMITATING ART?: Russell Crowe arrested Monday morning and charged with second degree assault after allegedly throwing a telephone at an employee at his Manhattan hotel.

The guy is just masterful. Seriously, who freaks out and throws a phone at someone's head? That's absolute psycho behavior. Yet despite the embarassing arrest and pictures of him walking out of the police station splashed across newspapers everwhere, he immediately hits the talk show circuit and kills whatever public ill will might have been percolating following the incident.

Crowe very earnestly apologizes on Letterman, the sincerity just oozing out of him. And people happily applaud and absolve him of his sins. "Hey, the guy may have a serious anger management problem and feels that he can abuse 'common folk' for the most trivial of reasons, but he seems like a pretty nice guy. And he sure does seem sorry about the whole thing. Plus, 'Cinderella Man' kicks ass!"

Hello, assholes!! The guy is an ACTOR!! He's convincingly played a retarded math genius and a Roman gladiator, so what makes you think he's not faking it when he claims to be "embarassed" by his actions and expresses his remorse? Being a celebrity doesn't mean never having to say you're sorry, but it does mean that you'll be forgiven quicker than Lindsey Lohan can snort up an 8-ball.


STORK WATCH: George Stephanopoulos and Ali Wentworth welcoming their second child, daughter Harper Andrea, Thursday morning in a Washington D.C. hospital.

I hope they're getting a paternity test done. "I don't know, George. Sometimes I just look at Ann and think she'd be the kinda chick that'd....unh. Oh, hell, I'm sorry man."


ON THE TRAIL OF THE PINK PANTHER: The release date for MGM/Sony's remake of The Pink Panther, starring Steve Martin, pushed back from Aug. 5 to Feb. 10.

I saw the preview for this one before 'Star Wars' and my immediate reaction was something between a dry heave and a wet fart. It looks utterly and completely awful, one of those "what the hell were they thinking"-type projects that make average people like me feel that movie executives are fortunate to work in an industry where stupidity is an asset. Everyone knows that trailers are the most deceptive bits of propaganda in existence, as a well done trailer can make even the biggest, most steaming pile of shit film look like a winner. So when a trailer, like the one for 'Pink Panther', makes the film look about as appealing as a one night stand with Paul Giamatti, it doesn't take a genius to predict that the film's grosses will settle somewhere between 'Heaven's Gate' and 'Gigli.'

I never found Steve Martin that funny (aside from "The Jerk" and parts of "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels"), but this is pretty clear evidence that he's entered Eddie Murphy territory. Maybe he hasn't picked up any transvestite hookers yet, but his career path is eerily similar to Murphy, who officially sold his soul to the devil before "Beverly Hills Cop II" and has been cranking out improbably high-grossing crap ever since. But I don't think even the Prince of Darkness can make 'Pink Panther' watchable.


BIG SCREEN BART: Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson in The Simpsons, telling BBC Radio 1 that a feature film version of the Fox cartoon series is in production. Cartwright said the film would take at least two years to complete.

While I'm still pretty certain this is going to be great, I'm having a bit of a hard time imagining how they're going to stretch a 22 minute show over an hour and a half. Will it translate to the big screen? Can the steady stream of brilliant pop culture references and industry in-jokes be sustained throughout an entire feature film?

The legion of 'Simpsons' fans is rabidly devoted, so they're taking a sizable risk with this project. I don't think a bad film will sink the franchise, but I would be surprised if the show goes on much longer if the movie flops. And I don't think I want to live in a world without 'The Simpsons.'


POSSIBLE MISSION: 'Mission: Impossible 3' finally scheduled to begin shooting July 18 in Italy. Recent reports had speculated that the project might not go forward due to budget concerns and intense negative press coverage of Tom Cruise.

I'm sick of talking about Tom since I'm still mad at him. But it's amazing what he's done to his career in the period of a few short weeks. The cat is out of the bag - the guy is nuts, and not just a mildly, Matthew McConaghey-type nuts. We're talking Brandoesque insanity.

This article details the finely-tuned spin machine that has worked overdrive to keep the wacky Cruise juggernaut afloat thus far. Clearly, the machine has broken down.


PROBLEM CHILD: Kelly Osbourne checking back into rehab to deal with some "personal issues," Us Weekly reports.

I don't understand, nor have I ever understood, the fascination with the Osbournes. During their heyday a few years ago, everyone LOVED that show and talked about it like it was the funniest damn thing since the John Waters episode of 'The Simpsons' ("I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals FLAMING!!!"). I tried watching it a few times and couldn't get across how painful it was watching Ozzy putter around like a 90-year-old man in firmly in the grips of dementia. For Christ's sake, he's about 50 and has turned himself into a near-vegetable by abusing his body relentlessly. God knows there are still ants crawling around in that rotting brain (see #1). Really, gleefully watching Ozzie stumble around the house is not much different than walking through the Tenderloin pointing and laughing at some babbling bum wearing a tinfoil tiara who's just shit himself. And the bum probably speaks more intelligibly than Ozzie.

And are there any more ghastly beings on the planet than those two kids? Both are, in addition to being completely and utterly fugly, two of the most spoiled, obnoxious little shits on the planet. They scream, swear, fight, dope up and generally contribute NOTHING to the planet. Why oh why do people find it entertaining to watch them go about their shallow and pointless lives? I blame them for paving the path for the most detestable show ever to disgrace the tube: "My Super Sweet Sixteen", a show that makes me want to throw a telephone at my own head.

Anyway, in a few years the whole family will be completely ravaged by drug addiction and incapable of caring for themselves. They'll all putter around aimlessly, drooling, shitting themselves and muttering unintelligibly like lobotomized trolls. That's when I want to see MTV bring the cameras back for another season - "The Osbournes: The Incontinent Years." "Tune in next week when Jack drops a deuce on the rug and no one can summon the motor skills to clean it up."

EXTRA! Cruise replaces Damon in 'The Bourne Insanity'!

Seriously, all jokes aside - is this man completely insane? Is it possible he was always like this and no one noticed? If not, he's either completely immersing himself in preparation for a film role as a crazed retard or we're witnessing a legitimate mental breakdown. Watch the clip above and try and tell me there isn't something very, very wrong here. I mean like bottles full of urine in the living room, Brad Pitt in '12 Monkeys' wrong. And if that doesn't convince you, read this.

Scientology is insane, and I can only assume most of the practicing scientologists in the world are suffering from some sort of mental defect. But I'll bet even they're wishing Tom would shut the hell up right about now.

Warren Sapp has stinky soul, breath

Warren Sapp is not the most popular player in the NFL. He's loud, obnoxious, a notorious cheap shot artist, and during interviews he comes off like Deebo on crystal meth.

But according to Kris Jenkins, DT for the Carolina Panthers, Sapp has also been moonlighting as the Devil, perching on his shoulder and causing him to hit the bottle while sinking into debilitating depression.

Jenkins, who recently came forth to talk about the depression and drinking problems he fought while injured last year, essentially attributes his entire downward spiral to the existence of Sapp, and in particular to being forced to watch Sapp celebrate a victory in November.

Here's an excerpt from the AP article in which Jenkins hilariously discusses his overwhelming and irrational hatred for Sapp:

The low point came after the Panthers' Nov. 7 loss to the Oakland Raiders, when Jenkins was forced to watch Warren Sapp, a player he dislikes intensely, celebrate on Carolina's field.

Jenkins turned to drinking to get him through the long, lonely days.

"When we played Oakland and we lost to Sapp, I stopped going to the games then," Jenkins said Thursday. "I was going to the games up to that point. I couldn't go to the games anymore. After that, that's when ... I've never been an alcoholic, but I upped my consistency of it."

As hard as it is to believe that one rival player could send Jenkins into such a funk, he said that all his problems escalated after that game.

"I hate him. Everybody says I'm supposed to be polite when I talk to you all, but I hate him," Jenkins said. " He talks too much, he doesn't make sense, he's fat, he's sloppy, he acts like he's the best thing since sliced bread. He's ugly, he stinks, his mouth stinks, his breath stinks, and basically his soul stinks, too.

"Not too many people have personalities like that and survive in life. I don't know how he does it."

Coming up next on 'Most Perplexing Sports Feuds': Cecil Fielder discusses how the Tigers' catering department ruined his career.

I know it was you, Tom. You broke my heart.

As I can't seem to get cranking on any real posts, I'll retreat to the cliched mainstay of blogs everywhere - the Celeb Gossip Wrapup Report, with some witty jabs peppered in for good measure!! Brace yourselves....

GET A ROOM, GUYS: An exuberant Tom Cruise declaring his love for new galpal Katie Holmes on Monday's The Oprah Winfrey Show. He repeatedly jumped up on the couch, told how dating the actress was "beyond cool," and left the possibility open that the two might marry.

This one really troubled me. I'm sure most of you have, by now, seen Tommy jumping around like Crispin Glover on Letterman, proclaiming his love for Katie Holmes and prattling on about scientology. It was a supremely disgraceful performance - when Oprah starts getting uncomfortable with a guest's exuberance, you know they've gone too far.

The reason it troubles me is because - and I feel just barely secure enough to admit this - I've always had something of a man crush on Tom. "Top Gun" was a defining piece of cinema for me, and I can't tell you how many times I pretended to be Tom - running around the yard shooting down bogeys, playing semi-homosexual shirtless volleyball with the boys, doing tongue tricks with Kelly McGillis (or in my case, the family cat). Women loved him, but he was legit enough that guys didn't care if he was shirtless on the cover of Tiger Beat. He was fucking Maverick.

I've remained a fan of Tom through the years. I've always felt like he's one of the few actors who rarely makes a truly crappy film ("Far & A-Gay" notwithstanding). "A Few Good Men", "Mission Impossible", "Minority Report", "Collateral" - all solid, entertaining films made so largely by Tom. And "Jerry Maguire"? Well, let's just say he had me at "Help me help you!!!!"

He's always just kind of exuded 'cool'. Not a forced, Bruce Willis-style 'cool' - just an easy, "I can flash my teeth and instantly fucking rule you" type of cool.

So his convulsive performance on Oprah was supremely disappointing. He didn't just sit back, smile, and own the audience like he usually does. He pandered to a bunch of middle aged women. He professed his undying love to a chick whose claim to fame is that she starred on "Dawson's fucking Creek." In short, he gave Chris Kattan some competition if they ever decide to make a Mr. Peepers feature film (God knows it must be in development). And that's just sad.

Look, I don't know if Tom is gay, as so many people speculate. But I'm now pretty sure he's a huge dork, and that hurts more than anything.

GETTING REAL: Kevin Spacey signing on for the upcoming TLC reality series Going Hollywood, in which he'll serve as a mentor to showbiz interns.

"Billy, let me teach you about the casting couch."

RAMBO REDUX: Sylvester Stallone preparing to reprise his role as Vietnam vet John Rambo, 17 years after the last Rambo film came out. If Rambo IV proves successful, there could be more films on the way.

People are idiots. They'll plunk down money to see all kinds of hideous shit, and they're always anxious to welcome a fallen star back with open arms (see Travolta, John).

But I can't see this one flying. Stallone has always been a poor man's Arnold Schwarzenegger, and even he hasn't had any sort of film career for a decade (the political thing is no excuse for "Collateral Damage"). Plus, Sly already had his shot at a "legitimate acting" comeback film with the painful "Copland." Don't give up your ringside seats, Sly. No one wants to see your wrinkled, leathery ass running around killing Iraqis. Not when the scars of 'Rocky V' still haven't healed.

And then there's this....

LITERARY RING: According to Daily Variety, Sylvester Stallone will direct his own screenplay about the life of literary giant Edgar Allan Poe. Robert Downey Jr. is being considered for the lead and shooting's expected to begin in Europe in the fall.

Well, it does sound incredibly scary. Probably not for the reasons they'd like.

DON'T FORGET ABOUT THEM: The cast of classic '80s movie, The Breakfast Club, planning to reunite at the 2005 MTV Movie Awards, airing on June 9. Everyone's confirmed except for former Brat Packer Emilio Estevez, according to USA Today.

I'm way too lazy to attempt an actual tally, but I wonder how many reviews of "Breakfast Club" featured lines like "the future's bright with this cast" or "Judd Nelson is a superstar in the making." Flash forward 10 years, and the only one with half a career is.....Anthony.....Michael....Hall. And having a show on USA that typically runs at around 1AM barely qualifies as half.

SECOND DOWN: After teaming up in The Longest Yard, Adam Sandler joining forces again with Chris Rock to produce the latter's script, The Gilmores of Beverly Hills, a comedy about a low-income black family living in Beverly Hills which Rock will also star in.

I remain undeterred in my assertion that someday, somewhere Chris Rock will make a film that doesn't rely solely on racial humor. He's a talented, smart guy who can knock it out of the park occasionally, but every time he starts a sentence, "You know how white people...", I just cringe.

SLAVE FOR MOTHERHOOD: Britney Spears telling People that despite a "horrible" bout of morning sickness, she's loving life as a pregnant woman and the sex is great. "I think it's better than it was before," she said. "I think it's best. Sex is crazy good."

Would you ever have imagined 2 years ago that hearing Britney Spears talk about having sex could make your stomach turn?

I watched "Chaotic" the other day, just to get a glimpse of the abomination that has caused critics across the country to simultaneously develop brain aneurysms. It took me less than 2 minutes to realize many of them were showing restraint in dubbing the show "nauseating", "nuclear waste" and "the TV equivalent of having Artie Lange eat an ear of corn and shit on your face" (OK, I made that one up).

The one overriding feeling I had while watching the show was embarrassment for Britney and Rat-erline. Not that I give a shit about Braterline (or Spederline, or whatever the fuck naming convention the lame-ass gossip mags have adopted), their marriage, their unborn child or whether they live or die. But anytime people make themselves the joke of the free world, all the while insulating themselves so completely that they never find out they're the punchline, I feel bad for them. I'm kindhearted like that, I guess.

The fall of Britney has been something to behold. People have talked about it, but I don't think people truly appreciate what we've seen in the last year or so with Britney. I mean, this girl was THE 'it' girl for half a decade. I guarantee you that from 1999 through early 2004, she won the poll for 'If You Could Bang One Person....' by a margin of no less than 2 to 1.

And now? She's pulled a virtual '"Crying Game" on boys and men everywhere, causing erections across the world to instantaneously drop like Chris Farley after an 8-ball. Seriously, does anyone, anywhere, still think she's the least bit sexy? She's gone, in record time, from every boy's wet dream to a Jerry Springer guest wannabe. Say her name in 2002 and the word "hot" or "slut" likely jumped to mind; now, it's "trailer trash" or, well, "slut" - but it's not the same, wonderful kind of "slut".

With "Chaotic", whatever was left of her mystique has been stripped away, micturated upon and set on fire. After this show, the curtain has officially come down. Everyone watching now knows that she is, beyond the shadow of a doubt, a complete and utter retard. She's the vapid, obnoxious chick in high school that you're willing to hang out with only because she's kind of hot and you just might get a piece. She's...well, like, totally ordinary.

But I think it may be even worse than that. Something tells me she's Michael Jackson with fake tits and a darker complexion. Everyone recoils in horror at Michael now, but I bet when he first started bleaching his cornhole, people still held out hope that he would grow back the jheri curl, throw on the sequined glove and stop chasing prepubescent boy tail. Maybe we should learn a lesson from the sad tale of MJ and simply stop caring before a 278lb Britney ends up in front of a judge explaining why she burned down her trailer park deep frying a Snickers.

Or you could tune in for more of the downward spiral next Tuesday at 9PM on UPN!!!